Fisticuffs

I never learned how to fight.

And I am not even talking about a physical altercation, although I imagine that would play out like any of my other social interactions: awkwardly and triumphantly executed.  No, I am talking about any kind of disagreement that goes past he “I beg to differ” phase.  I’ve never been able to argue my point, fight fair or win over an opponent.  Or be won over by an opponent.  I am passive aggressive to the point where I reach the stage where I realize I am about the have a fight with someone and I either completely shut down and walk away or disingenuously concede….and again, walk away.

Growing up, there wasn’t really any fighting in our house.  Yea, there were some short arguments, and longer silent treatments, but if my parents ever yelled at each other for longer than two minutes, it was not anywhere where I could hear.  If anyone disagreed in our home, it usually went like this: the offensive statement was made, someone argued, the other person replied in a stern (and louder voice) and the opponent either made a “this is over” face and walked away, or said “this is over” and walked away…or just walked away.

I can tell you right now, this frustrates my husband to no end.  This passive aggressive nature.  Something is obviously wrong, but what?  I won’t talk about it.  It takes endless prodding and needling before I will finally whisper what it is that is actually bothering me.  And I know that I do this and recognize it as an inability to emotionally connect with someone, yet it is something I can’t get over.  I don’t deal well with conflict.  If something upsets me enough, then I cannot have a conversation about it for more than 60 second before I start crying.  I can be sad, angry, stressed…if I am completely worked up then on come the waterworks.  How can I effectively argue my side in between sobs?  It’s not fair to me, and it feels manipulative to whomever I am arguing with.  Like I said before, I don’t know how to fight.  So I swallow my anger, compartmentalize my stress and anxiety, walk away or go to sleep and wait until I am not so consumed before I broach a subject that needs to be addressed.  And trust me, if I am bringing it up, it NEEDS to be addressed because I don’t want to be here any more than you do.  It’s uncomfortable and awful and can we just get through this as quickly as possible so we can move on and forget this conversation ever happened? 

Sometimes I wish that I had that ability that others have, those of you who can scream and yell for hours, go on and on until everyone is heard and you don’t go to bed mad.  It may be raw, and ugly at times, but it is a gift of communication, and something that you allow yourself to have.  On the other hand, I say enough tactless and insensitive things when I am thinking clearly, it might be my own personal gift that I can’t express myself when I am truly upset.