A guy saw me snapping pics and asked if I wanted one with my daughter. Always!

Brent usually gets home a little later on Fridays so I though I would kill Lexi’s last hour awake by taking in the sunset at the beach.  We are totally those people who live about five minutes from the ocean and almost never go to the beach.  I always think about going and then I start to think about parking and what stoller I should take (if any) and if I have change for the meter and then I just give up and walk to the park instead.  Ho-hum.  But not tonight!  It’s been forever since I’ve had a chance to watch the sun set over the Pacific, it certainly hasn’t happened since Lexi was born, and for no good reason either.  So armed with my camera (of course) the Bear and I hit The Strand and watch the sun set over all the beautiful people.  Seriously, it’s like there is a weight limit you have to be under to hang out at the beach on a Friday night.  But I digress, enjoy some pics.

Coming up on Hermosa Pier

I watched as the fog started rolling into Manhattan Beach

Got the moon in this one, too!

My new desktop background

There you go, now it is pretty much like you were right there with us!

"I'm the sun and Mommy is the solar system."

Most people who become parents say that it changes your life in every way possible, something that definitely rang true for me, and even more so since I left my job to be a stay at home mom.  Once Lexi was here my world revolved around her; caring for a newborn is no joke and it was incredibly easy for me to put my needs on the backburner and lose myself in being a mommy.  Of course once the dust began to settle and I had a chance to breathe, I barely recognized the person I had become over a short period of time.  I no longer had hobbies or a job or clothes that fit properly; if I had free time it was spent asleep or comatose in front of the tv.

For me, that really kick-started a time in my life when I had to figure out who I am, and who I wanted to be.  Having a baby forced me to prioritize so that I could find some sort of balance between being a mom (which at the moment felt like the only thing that could define me) and being a well-rounded person.  I no longer had the luxury to do whatever I wanted on the weekends; if I wanted to sleep when the baby slept, then that means the only thing I was going to be doing for myself that day was napping, not working out or baking or reading.

My first priority was physical.  I have always been pretty slim and fit, something that I was grateful for but at the same time took for granted.  Having to lose the 50lbs that I put on when pregnant is something with which I am still struggling, but when I finally reached the point where I could comfortably run three miles I started to feel like me again.  I’ve been a runner since I was 11 years old, and I feel like the older I get, the more I relate running to relaxation than working out.  When I choose to hit the pavement during my free time these days it is like a meditation, all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other, I can let my mind wander and just appreciate the lack of responsibility associated with the activity.  I started to understand that being confortable with how I looked wasn’t so much about fitting into my “skinny” jeans (don’t get me wrong, that feels AWESOME) but about being able to do the things I’ve always been able to do, and keep working at it.

The next challenge was a mental one.  I was coming out of the mommy fog and realizing that I was no longer an executive assistant, but I also didn’t want to just be a mom.  I started taking more pictures and gardening again.  The first time I made cupcakes after Lexi was born felt like coming home; I couldn’t remember the last time I baked something.  Now that I am home in the evenings I do so much more cooking, last year I discovered so many new recipes that I have a hard time deciding the menu for the week.  And getting into drawing has been so much fun, and it something that I really look forward to doing with Lexi soon.  I can’t wait to have her ask me to draw something and then just whip it up on the tablet.  It feels good to add a little depth to my life – it still revolves around the Bear-o, but it feels like she is adding richness to who I am, rather than defining me.

The last bit of discovery was a spiritual one.  This can mean so many things, but for me (and many, many others) it was tied into religion.  Once we decided we were getting Lexi baptized, I really had to come to terms with what that meant, and why I felt so strongly about making that happen.  I have always identified myself as a Catholic, but it never played an active role in my life. I realized that if I was  going to bring Lexi into my faith, it was only fair that she had a solid foundation and not be a Catholic in name only.  I couldn’t remember the last time I had even attended mass, and I felt so out of place  when I walked into the church last year, armed with cheat-sheet prayer cards.  But I kept going, and eventually started to recognize some of the other parishioners, and they me.  By no means did I make it every week – I was attending a 7am mass and sometimes I was too tempted to stay in bed if Lexi afforded me the extra sleep, or I was just wiped out from a restless night.  But I made it as much of a habit as I could, and am so grateful I did.  It’s hard to put into words how this has changed me, but suffice to say that taking an active part in my faith has just made me feel more grounded while at the same time a part of something so much bigger.  It’s such an interesting area of my life in the sense that it really can’t be defined quantitatively like the others – someone can tell if I lose weight or can eat a meal I’ve cooked – but it still plays such a vital role.  I’m not sure where this path will lead, but I am grateful for what it’s given me this past year.

Becoming a mom has been such a crazy journey for me, and finding a physical, mental and spiritual balance is a constant struggle.  As I said, my time is limited and sometimes naps and TV are just too irresistible.  The biggest bummer is I can’t just reach a goal and stop and I can’t give 100% to all three at the same time.  Some weeks I work out like crazy but in doing so lose the time I would have dedicated to drawing (or blogging!).  Or I skip mass while traveling or prepping for a house showing.  But these days I am so much more in tune with what I want, and where my priorities lie.  After all is said and done, I would give up all the running and baking and napping in the world for my family…but it’s nice to have the option.

We’ve made it to 13 months, and the onesies are a thing of the past, so here’s Lexi in her street clothes.  Have I mentioned how much I am still loving dressing up my little girl?  She’s pretty much in shirts, pants and hoodies these days in accordance with the weather.  We have an occasional long-sleeve onesie in there but it’s kind of an extra step in the diaper change arena so they aren’t popular.  If I had an unlimited baby budget I would totally shoot for Jessica Alba’s little girl’s style – so cute!  Now that Lexi is pretty much walking exclusively I’m obsessed with finding shoes for her.  She is still a beginner so we need the soft soles, which limit the cuteness factor but we sometimes cheat and slip her into the chucks she got from Uncle Drone and Aunt Christina for her birthday.  Lexi also got some awesome dresses from Melanie, Christina’s parents and my Uncle John so I can’t wait to slip those on her as well.

Sure enough, playtime with Lexi is getting more and more fun the older she gets.  Some of the things that keep her occupied the longest include a lego jungle set, baby computers and of course books.  She is also into typical one-year-old activities like opening and closing drawers, doors and toy computers, and today she was super entertained when I gave her a plastic bottle and lid to screw on and off.  When we go to the park she is happy to just wander off and enjoy the open space, but she also loves approaching other babies and kids…don’t ask me how I ended up with such a friendly child.  My favorite thing to watch her do lately is play with her baby tea set.  She will actually “pour” herself a cup of tea and then “drink” the tea, sometimes even drinking directly from the pot.  I’ve never really seen her do such obvious pretend play so I find the whole thing incredibly adorable.  I guess I’ll keep her.

Lexi is getting super vocal, albeit sans words at this point.  There are lots of sounds and the “ha ha ha ha” is still ever-present, as is “da dadada da” but we have yet to have her actually say “dada” to Brent specifically so it doesn’t really count.  She will give us kisses and hugs, but only when she’s in the mood and I’m working on her ability to “cheers” with her teacups.  It’s a necessity, you know.

Lexi is still eating anything and everything she can get her hands on, except she did show a bit of a dislike for a jar of baby food that was pureed chicken with something or other.  She had eaten it in the past but for some reason she wasn’t having it this time – she might not have been feeling it that day, or she could be developing some sort of palate.  Of course, she always wants what we’re eating, but her lack of teeth is holding her back.  I officially stopped breastfeeding on Thursday, although I had her go for another “meal” today (Sunday) because I was getting a little full and uncomfortable and thought that it would help – it did.  As far as the weaning went, I started introducing cow’s milk in the nighttime bottle after her first birthday, then a couple weeks later I stopped breastfeeding after nap #2, then a week later after nap #1, and the next week at 13 months I stopped the morning feeding.  I just replaced all the feedings with a big ol bottle of cow’s milk and I don’t think Lexi has even really noticed.  Since she always ate right after waking and never fed “on demand” I’m not having any issues with her coming to me at random times for some boob or even worse just tugging on my shirt to eat so I’m really happy that’s paid off.  As far as my reaction to saying goodbye to breastfeeding?  Good riddance!  Haha, okay, it wasn’t THAT bad, but I’ve been kind of over it for a while, just holding out for the year mark because that was a goal I set for myself and also because it was just so easy and FREE.  I’m sure I will breastfeed the second one, but if I’m lucky enough to be given the choice of continuing after six months, I’m not sure if I will make it as long as I did with Lexi.  In other news, I’m eager to lose these last 5-10 lbs to see what size my boobs are actually going to end up.  Pregnancy does some weird things to your body, man.

No big plans for this week, we’re keeping things low-key and just relaxing for a few minutes when we can grab them.  I hope everyone else enjoyed cozying up on this cool, gray Sunday!

So this morning was an unexpectedly sad one when our kitty Mia passed away.  I had come downstairs with Lexi like any other morning and could hear one of the cats making a hacking noise.  This happens so often in a house with three cats that it’s almost background noise by this point, however when it continued after several minutes I went into the living room to see what was going on.  Mia was lying next to one of the plants which was unusual in and of itself – we almost NEVER see her around the house, and especially if she knew Lexi or I was wandering around in the vicinity.  I got closer and patted her a little – I could tell she was still breathing, but barely.  I didn’t have high hopes by that point.

Our regular vet had retired last year so I did a quick google search for the nearest animal hospital, which ended up being about a mile away.  I called and they let me know that I could bring Mia over right away for emergency care.  I did my best to pack up the baby and kitty as quickly as possible and head over.  As soon as we walked through the door they rushed Mia to the back and a few seconds later a nurse came out to tell me the cat was in critical condition and did I want them to do CPR?  I answered yes, wondering if some pet owners answer no in this situation and why they would do that.  After a couple minutes the vet came out and sat next to me and Lexi, telling us that there was no heart rate and Mia had died.  She asked if I wanted to see the cat and I just said yes, because that seemed like the right thing to say.  However once I was in the room waiting for them to bring in the body and holding back tears while trying to keep Lexi from opening all the drawers I had no idea why I was there.  The vet brought our poor kitty in, I pet her black fur while asking the vet what she thought had happened.  She told me that the cat probably ate something extremely toxic – she was very jaundiced and I thought about the new houseplants I bought last weekend for the open house.  My heart sank.  When asked if I wanted a few minutes alone with Mia I shook my head and they took her away.  I started to think about how I was going to tell Brent, who is currently in Seattle on business, that his cat is gone.

After that it was just paperwork.  We donated the body to science and weren’t charged for the emergency care or the donation.  We left and came home to one less kitty.  I dragged the plant into the patio, where it currently lays carelessly on its side.  We have a broker coming over today and I can’t even think about moving it.  When I called Brent I had difficulty articulating how I felt – honestly, we barely saw this cat around the house.  I’m not really going to miss her during the day-to-day, but I feel so, so awful that this happened to her.  I hope you’re happy and warm and safe under the big bed in the sky, little kitty.

So the end of the holidays means that we’re getting back into the process of selling our home.  Back when we put the house on the market in JULY (AHHHH!) I was super excited, ready to finally move into a single family residence and super eager to check out all the Orange County neighborhoods.  I would get excited every time we had an open house or a showing, sure that the next couple of days would bring an offer.  Suffice to say no offers came, and by the time Halloween rolled around I had pretty much put the home sale on a mental backburner.  We did open houses up until mid-December, but I was pretty sure no one was actually going to make a purchase that large during the holidays.  It was actually a nice break from the real estate stress as it kind of took the pressure off the sale, assuming that it was time of year that was a roadblock, not the home itself.

Now we’re over the holidays and even though while I write this I am listening to the Today Show say that January and February are the slowest months for homes sales, we are ramping things back up.  That includes a $20k price drop, which I’m trying not to think too hard on.  The reality is that Brent is spending way too much time in the car and we just need to cut that commute and move, and if the house isn’t selling at the current price, then it’s not worth the current price, right?  I’m attempting to reassure myself with the fact that we are going to be buying in the same market, and in a location where we will get more for our money, but if I let myself think too long on our situation it definitely stings a little.  We didn’t buy our home at the height of the real estate bubble so at least we aren’t selling for half the price nor are we anywhere near upside down on the mortgage, but clearly this isn’t going to be a money-making endeavor.

I’m bummed out by this whole process, not so much that I dwell on it, but that’s also because I make a point to not think about it.  In a lot of ways the whole thing is out of our hands so there’s no use in getting myself worked up.  But the sooner we are done cleaning and then vacating our condo every Saturday for an open house, the better.  I can’t wait to be settled and unpacked in a house we can call home for many years to come, even though I know that time is still months away, even if we were to sell our place tomorrow.  Okay 2012, let’s get the ball rolling.